Back from a weekend in Kansas City filled with Mikey's family and crappy wedding DJs. There are still some horrible, horrible things going on with one of my nearest and dearest, but it's one of those things over which no one has any control and it's been a reluctantly accepted eventuality for a while now. I'll just say that I hate cancer with every fiber of my being, not just for the way it ravages the body (I myself am physically and emontionally scarred from it, albeit in a relatively minor way compared to what many others have had to go through), but the way it ravages the emotions and leaves someone to accept the fact that she will be a widow soon, a few years before she turns 30.

I am not taking this person's drama and making it my own. If it reads that way, I don't mean for it to. I just feel so damn helpless. I want to make things better for her, but there are so many of us already trying to help, so much that it's bound to become a burden. So we sit and wait, and I cry despite the fact that I've never been particularly close with her husband, not because we didn't get along but just because life got in the way, moving me down the block, out the door and eventually hundreds of miles away from NYC. I walked by a hospice Thursday and tears just welled up. I can't discuss it without breaking down. I just can't imagine what she is going through. I admire her strength, but I still feel so much damn empathy that I can't contain it. I just want to do whatever it takes to make her feel at least a little bit better. I don't care about myself, I just don't want things to be awkward and unpleasant. Although, there really is no other way for them to be.

So I will listen and hug and support and visit and try my damnedest not to cry in front of them, unless, of course, that is what they need. I don't want to be a cruel stoic. I just don't know what to do. I just want to vent, and this sounds like pretentious claptrap, but it's how I feel and I can't keep it in any longer.

Sorry, I'm just still not up for the snark, even though I did give the finger to the wedding DJ this weekend.