So, even though it's been almost a week since it happened, I need to convey the horror that I saw the night of my birthday. (That being the night of Jan. 1, not the early morning hours proceeding New Year's Eve.)

We went to the Locust Bar for some birthday/congrats on the engagement drinks and there were still yahoos from the Mummer's parade hanging out. (For those who don't know, the Mummer's parade is a horrifying New Year's event involving banjos, awful feathery costumes, and drunk mooks from Philly).

Anyway, one of these celebrants was in the bar, donning a hat that resembled an orange pylon (aka traffic cone) inscribed with the words: "Warning: Designated Drunk." This guy was making an ass of himself much of the night, hanging with some hipsters who obviously had just met him at the bar. Oh, and he was wearing gold lame boxers.

So, drunk guy is being drunk, singing along to the jukebox and occasionally dropping his pants, much to the horror of everyone in the bar. This included the fry cook, who screamed, "Yo! Pull your pants up!"

So, this happened a few times, and then finally the last time his pants went down, one of the hipsters STUCK A BEER BOTTLE UP HIS ASS. I think the entire bar screamed (or, I just screamed very loudly.) Anyway, after that, the "designated drunk" exited the bar.

We all agreed that whoever created that hat was the richest man in the world. This means that the hat is the work of the Sultan of Brunei. Or at least that was the joke.

Aren't y'all glad that I share my everyday life with you?